I Desperately Want to Know...

I've felt so worthless. My enemy and sinfulness brought me down to the depths of despair. I was trapped by my own selfish impulses that did not satisfy -- that I hated but couldn't run away from. All the things I had found life in before -- doing well in school, being the guy who strived to be smarter than anyone else -- you took away from me. It seemed as if no one cared. No one loved me. If anyone knew who I really was and what my struggles were, they'd hate me. I had no reason to live anymore. And in those darkest moments, God, you came. You showed me so much hope -- that there really was a reason to live -- you and your love! And then you began to show me who I really was. The incredible person you've made me and continue to make me to be. You've given me so much joy, so much life! Your love is so amazing, and all the reasons I've ever had to live before you were for nothing!

I've felt such incredible pain. The kind of pain you close your heart for because it seems like it'll never end. That knife that gnaws away at your core every time you think about how you hurt someone else even after you've asked for forgiveness time and time again. And how worthless you are because of it. And God you've so gently, so carefully asked and then entered into my heart and fully healed the pain.

I've felt so unfaithful. You love me so much. And then I turn to other things, thinking they'll satisfy. Somehow I imagine that the love I could have for a girl could satisfy my desires for beauty and intimacy. Or that a trip to the mountains could satisfy my desire for adventure or rest. Or that I can temporarily satisfy my desire for sex. Or that laziness will satisfy my desire for rest. And then I no longer pursue you through the the things we love together. And you once again show me the depravity of a life ignoring you. But then you come for me once again. You entice me with your love. Why? Why would you come back for me, again and again?!? Your love, your faithfulness is so scary and yet awesome. You love so much!

I've felt incapable so many times. Everyone else seemed to be ahead of me. I'd never succeed. No way I could ever understand that class. I feared doing anything where I could fail. But you've given me the ability to do so much more than I've ever imagined. I think I'll fail that class, and somehow I get an "A" and do better than most everyone else. I once hated exercise, but now I love running, climbing 8000 feet in a day, or backpacking for 20 miles, and driving myself to my limits! You are amazing!

You've done so much for me God. Because of you, it feels as if my heart beats once again. Blood can course through my veins. I'm filled with life; not the death that my sin has brought. You've touched my heart; entered into me and breathed into me your life in such an intimate way. I can't imagine sex could ever come close! I so want to be completely captivated by you!

So why...why don't I get it?

I want to fuly love you God, but it still seems I can't. You give me incredible desires. And then it seems as if you want me to walk away from them. I feel like I'm being teased. Enticed only to be let down?? -- I'm so confused. Were those desires from you in the first place? Are you simply testing me. Is the way you are asking me to go really a satisfaction of the core of who I am?

God, I can't reject you, I can't leave you, but I don't always know how we're going to get through. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Where do we go from here? Will this ever end? Will I ever be able to completely trust that you are completely good. You ask me to follow you; I feel like I'm about to jump 90 feet into the water below. I kinda know it's safe. But as I get ready to jump...I can't. My legs don't work. Why can't I trust you? Why can't I trust that your love is perfect? I so desperately want to know...