Being Transformed!

It's the typical Sunday morning - we roll out of bed and go to church. We sit down in our usual row, and go through the motions of reading the words off the screen or maybe a hymnal. The pastor comes up and gives a message from scripture, and then sits down ... who knows how many will ever remember what he just said. The closing song then comes, and then we "greet" one another with the question. I hate that question more and more - "How are you doing," we ask. And then comes the usual lie, "Just fine."

Why? We call ourselves the Church and yet none of us knows each other. Everyone walks around thinking they're the only ones who struggle. Because everyone walks around to try to make everyone else believe their perfect. That they're worthy of calling themselves a Christian. And so everyone believes everyone else is. It's a cunning and deadly tactic used by our enemy.

For so long I believed the lie. That I was the only one who ever secretly struggled with sins like giving into sexual temptation, or eating too little food, or too much. Eventually I believed that I was worthless; I hardly had any reason to live. But I was too afraid to share that with anyone. Afraid that I would be rejected, that the fragments of what seemed to be love and community with others were far better than the horrible rejection I'd receive if I'd actually admit my pain, slavery, and frustration. Yeah, some sins were acceptable, but I'd called myself a Christian for too long to struggle with certain things anymore. Because Christians are perfect.

Sometimes we do acknowledge verbally that we aren't perfect. We'll set up "accountability" groups that are somehow supposed to motivate us not to sin. Maybe the fear of having to admit our shame will prevent us from sinning once again. And then when we "slip up", when we have actually some how acted out our sin, we might even acknowledge that we've sinned to the others in that group. Or maybe fear does keep us away from that "magic line" for a while. Or we're so afraid of rejection or of being ashamed that once again we mutter "Everythings great." Again, all in making others or even ourselves believe that we're getting better, that we no longer really struggle.

And if we do struggle, we tell ourselves or are told we aren't trying hard enough. We push and pull, and we might even resist sin for days! And then we fall. Next time it'll be better, it'll be easier, though. We're told the longer we go without sin, it'll be easier. Eventually, we'll somehow magically no longer struggle...


I'm not saying that we shouldn't resist sin. On the contrary, we're told we we should. (Romans 6:1, James 4:7). Nor am I saying that accountability is a bad thing. We're so much better armed to resist our enemy when we're sharpening and encouraging one another. Neither am I saying we have no hope against sin - Romans 7:24-8:2 says Christ will rescue us! But guess what - we're all sinful. Even Paul bitterly struggled with sin after he began following Christ! He describes his struggle in Romans 7 well. So why do we fail? I think it's because we don't allow ourselves to completely depend on God's strength, we fail to understand sin, and most importantly, our greatest desires are not being fulfilled.

This was my struggle for so long. Even though I "accepted Christ" when I was a kid, I never knew Him (Biblically, that would mean I wasn't a Christian). I began to fall into sexual sin sometime during high school. I wasn't really that bad, I'd say - I never struggled with pornography or sinned with another person and convinced myself that somehow those who did were the real sinners. Yet I still sinned often when no one was looking or in my mind. When came up to Michigan Tech, I began to hang out with others that did want to pursue God, that displayed the life of Christ. And I knew I wanted that. So I tried so hard to pursue God in my own strength, and I tried to resist sin. But my sin nature slowly continued to enslave me. I so wanted to be free!

It's been a long battle since then, but I've begun to realize why I failed for so long. I tried to resist sinning for so long in my own strength. And for a while I'd sometimes succeed...sometimes for months or even more than a year. But I'd still fail. It's been amazing, though, watching the process of true transformation occur as I've realized where I failed. We think the act of sin is what is wrong. And we fail to understand the act is simply a picture of what's really inside. We can try to stop sinning, but our sin nature is not changed. It's been amazing watching God slowly transform me. I used to run away from God after I "sinned" (which you might say really is an act that exposes the sin nature inside of me). I'd hide until I felt better, until the memory of my sin was more faint and held less disgust. Then I felt I was somehow clean enough to come to God. In reality, God was screaming at me to let him in in all of my disgust! He wanted me to let him in in those moments when my sin nature was exposed. So he could heal that part of my sin nature. It really makes so much sense. Would you go to a doctor when you felt you needed the most help or wait for days after you realized you were sick? It's been hard but so amazing during the past year to discover so much of the many sins I've struggled with have had to do with my lack of trust in my God. And as I've let Him into my darkest parts and taken the sometimes scary steps to trust in Him, my sin nature is slowly disappearing.

Equally if not more importantly, though, is that our true desires aren't being met!!! I've described this to some before, but imagine this. Imagine you've only grown up from birth eating cake. Then, you are suddenly told in college cake is unhealthy. You try to stop eating cake, but you don't know anything else is food. Soon enough your famished body can't stand it anymore, and you indulge once again in cake, feeling terrible soon afterwards. If only you knew there was real food! Our desires for intimacy and our sexuality are very good things! We know the "cake" isn't healthy and doesn't satisfy, but we turn to it because we know nothing else. In my life, it's been amazing watching God satisfy my incredible desire for intimacy in a way so unique to who I am and how I understand love. And as a result, my sin nature no longer "needs" to exist. It has no place, no excuse to be around.

I'm tired of running around, everybody believing I'm perfect. Somebody once mentioned to me "what if everything about me was known...all that would be left is [Christ's] grace." I ask myself...what if everything I've done, everything I've written in my journal were known to the world. What would it express. I hope someday everything I've done, and the way I've chosen to live my life expresses the glory and amazing grace of my incredibly loving God. Without Christ, I am nothing - I'm sinful, evil, dirty, diseased. Without Christ, no different from people who've murdered thousands of others, raped women, or sexually abused children. The only thing that's different from me and so many others who have never tasted the love of Christ is that Christ for some reason accepted me. I have no idea how or why. It doesn't make sense. Why me? I'm so unfaithful! But I'm so breathtakingly amazed that I'm being pursued by my creator who continues loves me more than I could ever imagined!