Lost

I feel so lost - so longing for something more. But afraid that what I do have, what I do long for God will take away or won’t let me have. I’m a bundle of desire, but so confused. So afraid at times that God gives me desire just to tease me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, but I’m afraid that He’s shown me who I am only to then ask me to go against who I’m made to be. And lately, I feel like God’s taken my strength away. I’ll get up and have no desire to head to class. I’m always looking for the easy route because effort seems fruitless, or I no longer have the strength to continue. What’s the point? Why exist anymore? Satan pounds me, uses every tactic he has and every weakness he knows I have and at least temporarily convinces me I’m worthless, and that there is no point anymore to doing anything, that there is no reason to live.

I feel like lately the reason I’ve chosen to pursue God is because it’s the best way, but not because it’s the amazing way. Yeah, there is no life in idolizing the things of this world. We are told not to love the things of this world for that very reason. Ultimately joy found in all relationships, doing well in school, listening to the most well-written music, hiking through the woods, standing on the edge of a cliff or rappelling down it, fails. I put so much weight…essentially idolize…what a relationship with a wife will look like. How amazing would it be to have someone that I could be with for the rest of my time here on earth? As I was walking back after praying around a campfire two nights ago at Hungarian Falls, I was elated at the magical world that the wet April snow had created in the woods. Every tree was completely coated in white, and the glow from the moon softly illuminated the tall evergreens that perched above the leafless maples, oak, and birch in the valley below. But something was missing – once again as with so many of the things God allows me to experience, I so wanted to share that with a girl – the one girl. But what if I did have her – the one that met almost every desire that I have in a woman. What if I did – and then God took her away. Would I be devastated? Filled with bitterness because she was the only reason I lived? Or filled with joy because I truly desired God more than anyone and had the incredible opportunity to love one of his beautiful beloved for even a short time?

Yeah, I’m here in Michigan taking classes at Michigan Tech. Yes, God is doing amazing things it seems, transforming me in ways I couldn’t imagine and giving me incredible friendships with other men here. And although I can’t be in the mountains, I’ve been able to take joy in the abilities I do have – running through snow or mud and rain, kayaking on Lake Superior, camping out in the snow or next to a campfire, and climbing out on the cliffs. But at times I wonder what's the point. I've made decisions to pursue God instead of incredible opportunities out West. But in the midst of all of the chaos, it seems like I'm going nowhere. Why resist temptation, why summon strength to build relationships with others, why do homework, why ski? And then things get dangerous - I'm very tempted to give into sexual temptation, to head back into bad habits with food, believing eating is sin; I become lazy and the desire I have to love others seems to disappear. I become destructive, only looking to gratify my immediate desires.

But this is death...it's NOT what I desire! Paul says in Romans 6:20-21, "What benefit did you reap at that times from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!"

Why? Why does this happen? It's because I still don't believe my ultimate desire is God. I say it; I know it in my head. But my heart has yet to understand it. As much as I want to pursue God, my desires shift so easily from enjoying Him through his creation to his creation. I begin to act instinctively, pursuing whatever seems to offer the most life without thinking ... or sometimes intentionally ignoring what I know the consequences will be. I fear God, I fear that he will take away everything and every desire that I depend on for intimacy, for adventure, excitement, beauty, life. Sure, I say I can give up my desires, all of myself to God when I don't count the cost and really pay attention and understand all of what I must give up. But when I'm reminded of all that I desire...not that the desire I have is wrong at all!...but when I'm reminded of it, giving all - really ALL - of myself and my desire to Him is very costly. Matthew 9:39 says "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Can I do that? Ultimately, I will never be satisfied, I will always be disappointed so long as my desire for any experience or anyone else is stronger than my desire for God. The point - the end goal in life is not to complete a bunch of tasks, not to experience every physical pleasure on the face of the planet, not to see everything that is to be seen in God's creation. But rather to love - and to love God more than all else. And I cannot do that on my own. I cannot manufacture a desire for God; I don't think I can endure giving up all of my desire to God without him continuing to change my heart. I guess it starts...it continues with me allowing Him once again into my heart and asking him to transform me. Daily taking the step to trust that his transformation of me will be good and truly what I desire more than everything and thus asking and allowing Him into me over and over again. 1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

I don't think the apostles gave up their lives, I don't think martyr's throughout history were willing to die simply on principle, simply because their mind believed something was true. No, I think it was something far deeper - an incredible love and desire for God so great that all else was worthless in comparison.

The question is not whether God will satisfy my desire for relationships, experiences, health, or just things here on earth. The question is rather do I trust; will I allow God to change me such that I am far more satisfied, yet still longing in and for Him.

I don't know where everything...heck often where anything...is going. But I know I truly want to desire God more than anything. And I will cautiously pray it - for I know God answers prayer, and I'm definately afraid of that at times! For me, the story is appears unwritten, the future is scary at times. I guess we'll see where this goes...