(Un)Satisfied

The final scene of Castaway shows Tom Hanks standing at an intersection, heartbroken but free to walk again. Heartbroken because his almost-to-be fiancée married another while he was lost and thought to be dead at sea for months. But free once again to walk an unknown path; free to invest his heart again, free to risk, maybe to be torn apart again but free to live life.

I feel like that's me. But I don't - I can't know what road to take anymore alone without God. I really don’t know anything about where my life’s going anymore. I feel like I’m once again at a crossroads making plans that may or may not materialize and ultimately waiting for God to answer so many questions that I have. Questions that can no longer go unanswered. I reluctantly chose not to head out to Montana this winter because I knew God didn't want me to. But now I don't even know anymore why I'm pursuing a degree in Electrical Engineering. God's showed me this past semester a different part of me that I never knew existed because I was so caught up in trying to find my self worth, trying to prove I could do something and be someone when that someone may not even be who I really am. For so long, I've hated Electrical Engineering but never even thought about anything else - if I can't do this, I thought, who am I? I for some reason used my understanding of math and science as a crutch. I defined my life by it, and when my pursuit of what I thought I wanted failed me, my world came down. Sure, God's once again given me the ability to do this stuff. But now for the first time I'm completely free, no longer defined by who I want to be but free to be who God made me to be. But I don't know what that means - where do I go from here?

These past few months, I've never felt so much pain after I pursued an incredible girl, beautiful and captivating to me in so many ways - many that I've longed to see for so long and yet many others I could never have imagined! And even after being rejected all the while thinking that maybe something was never right in the first place, my desire to pursue her only increased as I increasingly gave that desire to God. Errrrrr... the pain of desire... it means I'm so alive, but it hurts so much!!!!! At times I've sought refuge, sought to find any relief from the pain at times to no avail - but no longer is God allowing my heart to die. At times, I've given into sin to try to ease the sting of pain, but it no longer works. I've wanted to run away, travel 1200 miles West and bury the pain...but God has me here.

Yes, desire is so amazing. And yet it hurts so much! The more I pursue after the desires God has given me, the more I long. Looking back to every day I spent in the mountains on my own in Colorado or every exhilarating or peaceful experience I've had in the Tetons, I've always had a haunting - a desire for something so much more. The mountains and I almost have a love-hate relationship. They awaken me but leave me wanting so much more. As I allow myself to be swallowed up in their majestic peaks, valleys, streams and lakes, my blood courses through my body once again; my heart beats with life - and then comes the nagging, gnawing pain. The desire for something so much more aches relentlessly, driving me almost mad. That desire to be surrounded, enveloped, swallowed by so much more intimacy and so much more beauty than I could ever handle. To be with someone who would be with me for all time, someone to delight in, love, and to share with all the incredible beauty I see. Someone to enjoy the incredible waterfalls tumbling down thousands of feet through mountainous fir forests whose trees have mastered the art of living in such an untouched harsh yet beautiful environment. Someone to see vast meadows of tall green grass, bright red Indian Paintbrush and deep purple Lupines, all complemented by scattered islands of evergreens. Someone to see a herd of elk peacefully resting in a carpet of bright yellow marsh marigolds many miles away from any road. It's all so amazing, but so lonely. I imagine I would love to share it all with one person for the rest of my life, one incredibly beautiful in heart and in body. But would that really satisfy? Or simply leave me more longing. More aching for incredible beauty and incredible intimacy. What I really desire, really want in the end is to be wrapped up and taken in by my creator. To experience His infinite beauty and intimacy that never will fail to captivate me for all of eternity. The problem is not that I want enough - it's that I think I'll be satisfied with too little. I don't trust, and I think that somehow holding onto the tastes of my creator - the beauty I see in the outdoors and women - is better than Him himself! And in my lack of trust in lies my fear - my fear that He'll tear me apart and deny me all the beauty I've seen and all the intimacy I desire. I fear that pursuing Him really isn't life. Yeah, I see it written in scripture - but I still yet don't really believe it. I so long to know that there really is so much incredible life in God - but I'm not there yet. I'm getting there, but I'm afraid of the journey. I still hold on, cling to what I can see and touch. I wish I could jump - jump off that 90 foot cliff into the water knowing and trusting what's below. Trusting that whatever God has for me is far better than I could ever imagine. But I so fear that cliff - why can't I trust, why can't I love God?!

Someday...I desperately hope that day is very soon!

You know what though: I know why I love studying how mitochondria work or how aerobic respiration works. How the body produces ATP from glucose or how muscles contract. It's so amazing to me! I find so much life in understanding how God designed DNA from two humans to come together, intertwine, and make another beautiful creature so unique...and how stem cells can form any type of tissue in the body. Why? Because I see God in it all. As I dig deeper, I see the endless creativity and beauty that points to someone far greater than what I'm exploring. That's why I enjoy the mountains, incredible storms and beautiful sunsets behind miles and miles of plains. I want to be swept up, carried, swallowed in their beauty and their power. But really - what I'm really seeing behind it is God. He is what I'm seeking, what I'm aching for. Ultimately, I'm longing to be overwhelmed by his beauty, his intimacy, his love. When I stand underneath a waterfall because I want to be surrounded and caressed by it's beauty and power, I'm really desiring God.

Isn't that the point of every pursuit - to know and experience our creator!?