Limits to Our Desire?!

I wish I had the courage to be so much more graphic here than I am; maybe that’s a good thing; I don't know. The more my desire for Christ grows, though, the more I care less of what people think of me - and the more I care about, the more I can love other people. I want people to see the sin that I’ve struggled with - and how Christ has slowly but truly been transforming me and taking that struggle away. I want people to see how I no longer desire sin, but desire the incredible limitless love of my creator. I want people to see how desolate, lost, dirty, hopeless, prideful, hurt, worthless I am alone. But through Christ, how amazing my God has created, revealed me to be - only to give glory to Him. Everything that I am is an incredible unique display of the glory of my God. And to downplay the glory of my creator is to insult the creator Himself! Each one of us - every single person was created in His image! Every person is worth so much, posseses so much beauty, so much unique glory.

But I’m tired of playing “Christian”. I’m tired of trying to be good only to fail again because I’m not honest with myself and my creator; I don’t allow Him to transform me. I’m tired of giving into sin instead of opening all of myself to God and bringing to Him all of my frustration and hurt. I’m tired of trying to find my comfort in all else but Christ. I’m tired of trying to fill my incredible desire with whatever looks good immediately through my physical eyes instead of my creator and what He knows will satisfy the longings He’s given me. I’m tired of being afraid of my creator - being afraid that He’s not entirely good. I’m tired of not fully trusting and thus testing Him. Letting everything go into His hands and seeing what happens. Betting everything, putting it all on the line, jumping off of that 90 foot cliff and seeing what happens. When will I be driven to the point where I realize that it’s all or nothing? When I realize my desire is too great to be deadened, left hanging by being fed and teased by little gratifications. What’s the point of an eternity living in pain of half-fed desire? I want true satisfaction or nothing!

I went hiking yesterday in the mountains alone just to get away and to see a snowstorm come in from the woods. I knew I needed to rest and to think - but little did I know how much once again God would expose my lack of trust. I continue to hold back my hurt from God, continue to be afraid to hear from Him. Afraid that I’ll never get to see beauty and intimacy in a girl of my own the way I desire. This continues to be one of my biggest struggles! I feel like I'd rather sin, rather hide, rather give up and give in - cut my losses and experience what little I can see and have control of. Than bring my hurt, my anger, my fear, my desire all while openning all of myself completely and transparently to take a chance to trust in Christ. So many times the last two months, I’ve seen seemingly impossible situations presented by finances, not being sure where I’ll live or work or how I’ll get there, and I’ve been hurt and let down by other people. But every time God has come through in a way I couldn’t have imagined. People that don’t even know God have offered me rides, invited me into their lives, have given so much. My trust has increased so much - I don’t feel the need to worry anymore - my true home is in Christ - and every new challenge presents an opportunity for me to see the love of my creator come through once again! I’m actually beginning to get excited about how God’s going to provide when I don’t see a way!

But I still feel confused. I don’t see the course, I don’t know what to do. My desire for intimacy is great - and good. And although I don’t trust God, I have to - somehow. Where do I think I’ll get by ignoring God sometimes? I’ve gotta trust that my desire is good, my God is good. And if I’m confused - which may be a good thing because I don’t think I’m ready to make my own decisions right now about some things in life - even if I don’t like what God is saying to me right now - I have to follow Him. From my perspective, He’s all I’ve got - He’s the best there is. And if I trust that and He does come through for me in an amazing way that I would have never seen through my own eyes - than He’ll no longer be the “best I’ve got” but that much more the most amazing, loving, beautiful being I’ve ever had the privilege to have relationship with! I can already say to others I don’t just know about my God - I know my creator! But there’s so much I have yet to learn - there’s still doubt there. And I don’t want that doubt anymore! I so want to be able to say with even more conviction that I know my creator and he is good in every way! And I’ll never know that if I don’t take the scary step to trust Him. To be patient, to follow Him through all of the haze, clouds, winds of life. Trusting that in spite of what I see with my own eyes, what’s on the other side of that fog is something far more amazing than I’ve ever imagined.

I don’t want to ignore the pain of desire or to be afraid of my God just because I place limits on what I think my God could or would do! Can I really trust God in life for the impossible - can I really trust that what I don’t see could happen? And happen with an amazingness that I’ve never even tasted to understand how awesome it could be? I want to have such an incredible love for my creator and for others. I want to see how amazing He really is - I want to desire my God more than anything or anyone else! And if he so chooses to continue to show Himself to me through His creation, flying a plane, studying the cell, seeing the beauty and amazingness of other people, and maybe even a woman I could share the rest of my life here on earth with - that’d be amazing - because through it all, I’ll get to see His love…and share it!