It's Really You God...But

So time and time again I realize my desire to live comes from you. My desire to live is for you. You define me. It doesn't matter whether I fail at the rest of life or how many people hate me, I have the greatest thing in life - You! I find my rest, comfort, my home in you. God, you've begun to show me how awesome your love and your grace are - it drives me to tears every time you come for me even though I'm unfaithful to you. How many times can I hurt you...and you still want me? I don't get it!?!? And how incredible and amazing and scary your intimacy is! I want it so much. You ask to reach into the depths of my being, to bring life and to heal me in the most off-limits areas of my heart - even off-limits to me. Nothing, no relationship or experience on earth can compare with this. Who needs sex, or the thrill of flying down a mountain at 70 miles per hour in Montana, or being in a wild, uncontrolled, raging storm in Rocky Mountain National Park. Or the peace of being alone next to a clear mountain stream in Wyoming. All these are hints, foretastes of you, meant to draw me to you. But slowly I forget. I let the pleasure of rest become more important than you, and it becomes laziness. Or I let skiing take your place and it becomes an obsession that soon fails me. And my existence becomes lifeless once again.

You woke me up this morning though. You called me once again as, of all things, I began looking through a Black Diamond catalog with a picture of someone skiing down a ridge peering over a wonderful wilderness of powder at sunset. And I wanted to be there...because whether or not I initially realized it, I wanted you. And luckily, I soon turned to you with my incredible desire for you to satisfy. I love the fact that you entice me with your creation. But I'm also afraid you'll take it away from me. I so distrust you. I'm afraid that you'll call me to live a heartless life. That somehow following you will mean the loss of everything good that you've shown me so far...of all things, that's drawn me to you. Why do I distrust so much...and yet long so much for your incredible creation that draws me closer to you?

Sometimes I wish you would reveal so much of yourself to me that I wouldn't desire the intimacy of a girl. Or that nothing else in creation would mean anything at all anymore. But that's not how it seems to work. You desire to be with us in all of creation - such that we enjoy you in everything you have created, not seperate or without desire for it.