Being Transformed!

It's the typical Sunday morning - we roll out of bed and go to church. We sit down in our usual row, and go through the motions of reading the words off the screen or maybe a hymnal. The pastor comes up and gives a message from scripture, and then sits down ... who knows how many will ever remember what he just said. The closing song then comes, and then we "greet" one another with the question. I hate that question more and more - "How are you doing," we ask. And then comes the usual lie, "Just fine."

Why? We call ourselves the Church and yet none of us knows each other. Everyone walks around thinking they're the only ones who struggle. Because everyone walks around to try to make everyone else believe their perfect. That they're worthy of calling themselves a Christian. And so everyone believes everyone else is. It's a cunning and deadly tactic used by our enemy.

For so long I believed the lie. That I was the only one who ever secretly struggled with sins like giving into sexual temptation, or eating too little food, or too much. Eventually I believed that I was worthless; I hardly had any reason to live. But I was too afraid to share that with anyone. Afraid that I would be rejected, that the fragments of what seemed to be love and community with others were far better than the horrible rejection I'd receive if I'd actually admit my pain, slavery, and frustration. Yeah, some sins were acceptable, but I'd called myself a Christian for too long to struggle with certain things anymore. Because Christians are perfect.

Sometimes we do acknowledge verbally that we aren't perfect. We'll set up "accountability" groups that are somehow supposed to motivate us not to sin. Maybe the fear of having to admit our shame will prevent us from sinning once again. And then when we "slip up", when we have actually some how acted out our sin, we might even acknowledge that we've sinned to the others in that group. Or maybe fear does keep us away from that "magic line" for a while. Or we're so afraid of rejection or of being ashamed that once again we mutter "Everythings great." Again, all in making others or even ourselves believe that we're getting better, that we no longer really struggle.

And if we do struggle, we tell ourselves or are told we aren't trying hard enough. We push and pull, and we might even resist sin for days! And then we fall. Next time it'll be better, it'll be easier, though. We're told the longer we go without sin, it'll be easier. Eventually, we'll somehow magically no longer struggle...


I'm not saying that we shouldn't resist sin. On the contrary, we're told we we should. (Romans 6:1, James 4:7). Nor am I saying that accountability is a bad thing. We're so much better armed to resist our enemy when we're sharpening and encouraging one another. Neither am I saying we have no hope against sin - Romans 7:24-8:2 says Christ will rescue us! But guess what - we're all sinful. Even Paul bitterly struggled with sin after he began following Christ! He describes his struggle in Romans 7 well. So why do we fail? I think it's because we don't allow ourselves to completely depend on God's strength, we fail to understand sin, and most importantly, our greatest desires are not being fulfilled.

This was my struggle for so long. Even though I "accepted Christ" when I was a kid, I never knew Him (Biblically, that would mean I wasn't a Christian). I began to fall into sexual sin sometime during high school. I wasn't really that bad, I'd say - I never struggled with pornography or sinned with another person and convinced myself that somehow those who did were the real sinners. Yet I still sinned often when no one was looking or in my mind. When came up to Michigan Tech, I began to hang out with others that did want to pursue God, that displayed the life of Christ. And I knew I wanted that. So I tried so hard to pursue God in my own strength, and I tried to resist sin. But my sin nature slowly continued to enslave me. I so wanted to be free!

It's been a long battle since then, but I've begun to realize why I failed for so long. I tried to resist sinning for so long in my own strength. And for a while I'd sometimes succeed...sometimes for months or even more than a year. But I'd still fail. It's been amazing, though, watching the process of true transformation occur as I've realized where I failed. We think the act of sin is what is wrong. And we fail to understand the act is simply a picture of what's really inside. We can try to stop sinning, but our sin nature is not changed. It's been amazing watching God slowly transform me. I used to run away from God after I "sinned" (which you might say really is an act that exposes the sin nature inside of me). I'd hide until I felt better, until the memory of my sin was more faint and held less disgust. Then I felt I was somehow clean enough to come to God. In reality, God was screaming at me to let him in in all of my disgust! He wanted me to let him in in those moments when my sin nature was exposed. So he could heal that part of my sin nature. It really makes so much sense. Would you go to a doctor when you felt you needed the most help or wait for days after you realized you were sick? It's been hard but so amazing during the past year to discover so much of the many sins I've struggled with have had to do with my lack of trust in my God. And as I've let Him into my darkest parts and taken the sometimes scary steps to trust in Him, my sin nature is slowly disappearing.

Equally if not more importantly, though, is that our true desires aren't being met!!! I've described this to some before, but imagine this. Imagine you've only grown up from birth eating cake. Then, you are suddenly told in college cake is unhealthy. You try to stop eating cake, but you don't know anything else is food. Soon enough your famished body can't stand it anymore, and you indulge once again in cake, feeling terrible soon afterwards. If only you knew there was real food! Our desires for intimacy and our sexuality are very good things! We know the "cake" isn't healthy and doesn't satisfy, but we turn to it because we know nothing else. In my life, it's been amazing watching God satisfy my incredible desire for intimacy in a way so unique to who I am and how I understand love. And as a result, my sin nature no longer "needs" to exist. It has no place, no excuse to be around.

I'm tired of running around, everybody believing I'm perfect. Somebody once mentioned to me "what if everything about me was known...all that would be left is [Christ's] grace." I ask myself...what if everything I've done, everything I've written in my journal were known to the world. What would it express. I hope someday everything I've done, and the way I've chosen to live my life expresses the glory and amazing grace of my incredibly loving God. Without Christ, I am nothing - I'm sinful, evil, dirty, diseased. Without Christ, no different from people who've murdered thousands of others, raped women, or sexually abused children. The only thing that's different from me and so many others who have never tasted the love of Christ is that Christ for some reason accepted me. I have no idea how or why. It doesn't make sense. Why me? I'm so unfaithful! But I'm so breathtakingly amazed that I'm being pursued by my creator who continues loves me more than I could ever imagined!

Nothing Matters Anymore...Except

We live in a world that caters to our every desire. We can drive down to Burger King and instantly satisfy our hunger for something to do. Or head down to a bar and dull the pain and sorta believe that there is some happiness in our lives. We can head to the movies so we can imagine for two hours that we're leading a life of adventure. Or kiss another guy or girl and imagine there's really love there - but in the we end just teasing and tearing each other up even more. We're masters of quick fixes, habits that deaden the pain of a heartless existence, only to be dumped once again on the side of the road a few hours later. And we lie to ourselves that we'll be satisfied the next time...again, and again, and again.

Why do we do what we do? I study topos and imagine being away from all of civilization in the mountains with tons of snow, sunny skies, and rugged peaks all around me to climb. I peruse through catalogs of backcountry skis online, imagining skiing up a 12,000 foot peak and then letting it all go, making fast tracks through my own fresh powder for 20 minutes of bliss. I think about kayaking down endless miles of white water in the summer. I plan trips across the continent to explore the Wrangell-St. Elias Range in Alaska or the Canadian Rockies from Alberta to Yukon. I imagine driving out to Wyoming on a whim and skiing through wonderfully precarious terrain and being able to smell my favorite scent of lodgepole and fir while dodging through and brushing their branches. And I imagine being able to share myself and all these things with a wife who'd love to do the same. But then I sometimes don't know really what I desire. I soon forget why I love to be who God has made me to be so far. I think that my desire is for creation - a woman, or the mountains, or anything intense...or even peaceful. All of my desire soon disappears, and my existence once again becomes lifeless. Running becomes a chore and no longer a joy, heading to class becomes unbearable, doing the dishes sucks, music loses its life, and I'd rather just stare at the platter of useless entertainment on the internet.

But what do I desire? Do you really think that all the men who have fought bravely for this nation endured because it was exciting? For the men of Easy Company during World War II - was it the thrill of war that kept them going? Or was it their love for one another above all else? Why do movies of heroism or the man risking everything to protect his love hit our hearts so deeply but still seem to leave us hanging and longing in the end? God has given me so many things to enjoy. C.S. Lewis even says all of the pleasures God has created are good. But when I forget that my desire is the for the perfect love for my creator and to love him in return, then everything once again is lifeless. In a relationship between a guy and a girl, is the glass of wine and the chocolate really the point? During the walk on the beach, was the walk or the beach the reason for the date? Or was it each other? How is it any different with our God? He entices us with his creation...but it's all for him, because we desire him!

In the end, I desire love. I may want to fly a plane at Mach 2 a few hundred feet above the ground, but ultimately it's because I desire to be with my God blissfully expressing part of his glory that he's painted as me. Is it simply coincidence that Christ said "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment." in Matthew 22? Or that Paul puts so much emphasis on love in I Corinthians 13?

I Desperately Want to Know...

I've felt so worthless. My enemy and sinfulness brought me down to the depths of despair. I was trapped by my own selfish impulses that did not satisfy -- that I hated but couldn't run away from. All the things I had found life in before -- doing well in school, being the guy who strived to be smarter than anyone else -- you took away from me. It seemed as if no one cared. No one loved me. If anyone knew who I really was and what my struggles were, they'd hate me. I had no reason to live anymore. And in those darkest moments, God, you came. You showed me so much hope -- that there really was a reason to live -- you and your love! And then you began to show me who I really was. The incredible person you've made me and continue to make me to be. You've given me so much joy, so much life! Your love is so amazing, and all the reasons I've ever had to live before you were for nothing!

I've felt such incredible pain. The kind of pain you close your heart for because it seems like it'll never end. That knife that gnaws away at your core every time you think about how you hurt someone else even after you've asked for forgiveness time and time again. And how worthless you are because of it. And God you've so gently, so carefully asked and then entered into my heart and fully healed the pain.

I've felt so unfaithful. You love me so much. And then I turn to other things, thinking they'll satisfy. Somehow I imagine that the love I could have for a girl could satisfy my desires for beauty and intimacy. Or that a trip to the mountains could satisfy my desire for adventure or rest. Or that I can temporarily satisfy my desire for sex. Or that laziness will satisfy my desire for rest. And then I no longer pursue you through the the things we love together. And you once again show me the depravity of a life ignoring you. But then you come for me once again. You entice me with your love. Why? Why would you come back for me, again and again?!? Your love, your faithfulness is so scary and yet awesome. You love so much!

I've felt incapable so many times. Everyone else seemed to be ahead of me. I'd never succeed. No way I could ever understand that class. I feared doing anything where I could fail. But you've given me the ability to do so much more than I've ever imagined. I think I'll fail that class, and somehow I get an "A" and do better than most everyone else. I once hated exercise, but now I love running, climbing 8000 feet in a day, or backpacking for 20 miles, and driving myself to my limits! You are amazing!

You've done so much for me God. Because of you, it feels as if my heart beats once again. Blood can course through my veins. I'm filled with life; not the death that my sin has brought. You've touched my heart; entered into me and breathed into me your life in such an intimate way. I can't imagine sex could ever come close! I so want to be completely captivated by you!

So why...why don't I get it?

I want to fuly love you God, but it still seems I can't. You give me incredible desires. And then it seems as if you want me to walk away from them. I feel like I'm being teased. Enticed only to be let down?? -- I'm so confused. Were those desires from you in the first place? Are you simply testing me. Is the way you are asking me to go really a satisfaction of the core of who I am?

God, I can't reject you, I can't leave you, but I don't always know how we're going to get through. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Where do we go from here? Will this ever end? Will I ever be able to completely trust that you are completely good. You ask me to follow you; I feel like I'm about to jump 90 feet into the water below. I kinda know it's safe. But as I get ready to jump...I can't. My legs don't work. Why can't I trust you? Why can't I trust that your love is perfect? I so desperately want to know...