I See Light

My time in Houston has come to an end, and I want to write this while my struggle is fresh, my wounds are open. I'm afraid someday my heart will no longer understand the perspective I have right now; that my understanding will lack the passion and zeal that come from a heart that longs to be filled my God but isn't. I don't want to forget how amazing, how gracious, how incredible God is. And neither do I want to be seen as one who is strong without Christ, whose life is amazing because of his own intelligence, strength or confidence. That I didn't struggle to trust in God. I long to relate to others - to say in the midst of a world of confusion as to what is truly good or satisfying that God really is good. That even though it seems so hard to really believe that God is worth giving all of our hearts to in a way that is evident by not only our words but all of our actions and passion and affection, that He really is. I hope I only gain a love, an empathy, an understanding of others and God. That I would be able to say with confidence that even though sin looks so attractive and so hard to break through, the adventure, beauty, awesomeness, and more than anything, the incredible compassion, grace and love of God makes a life of sin look so empty, unattractive and sorrowful.


Ironically through my time here in Texas away from so many people I love, away from the mountains I often feel I was created for and away from bright sunny skies, I now understand why I struggle with sin. I say my desire is Christ; the words are on my mouth but I subconsciously continue to perform. Continue to use anything but a passion for my creator and my creator alone in a desperate attempt to seek life and even to try to "stop sinning". And so I still lust, I still become angry rather than compassionate with others, I still try to make others happy rather than serve and even confront them in a way that's best for them. I still fear others more than God at times but then I really care so less for others than for myself. I think I am my biggest critic. I see all of my flaws and I want to know how I can change them. But I really can't - so I try to perform. I think maybe if I muster enough strength, suck it up enough then I'll be able to resist anything. I can tough out sexual temptation until marriage. I can work hard enough to solve a problem. If results aren't happening, then try harder. But despite what we're told by our culture or by the church that never works!! Sure, it works for a while. But in reality, temptation has a hold in my life because I have a deep-rooted habit of believing that true satisfaction can't be found in God. Guilting myself or others doesn't change us. Even confronting somebody in love about an action doesn't change them! It's important, but it only reveals our depravity. A few months ago, verses in scripture such as Matthew 19:19 - "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life" caught my attention and I thought "What is God denying me because I'm not following Him?" or "Is it really possible that God desires to bless me if I follow Him?" and then "How do I really follow Him?" But I think I'm beginning to really see that true life is found in seeking God alone - the natural result of relationship with Him is the satisfaction of our desires because He is our desire. It's not that God doesn't bless us through his creation, it's not that he doesn't use people, it's not that looking at a squirrel and seeing how cute and incredible such an amazing creature is doesn't reflect our creator, it's not that a storm isn't amazing or that enjoying skiing 70 miles an hour down a mountain on a sunny day isn't exhilarating. But I think I still so limit my infinite God in expecting true life to be found only where I've seen tastes of life. Does a son or daughter desire money or things from their father, or does he really desire his father's time and love and she his love and delight? Can you imagine a guy using all of his creativity romancing a girl on a date only to find out she joins him solely for the fine wine, food, atmosphere, and excitement? He does so because he desires to know her. His desire is for the relationship, yet she sees no value in him. Or on the flipside - can you imagine a guy pursuing a girl only because of what he can get from her? Instead of a desire to know her heart and spend the rest of his life with her, he only pursues her to use her physically? Is that not how I often pursue God? Isn't that just like pursuing God only to avoid consequences or to be blessed? I'm missing so much by only pursuing life where I've seen tastes of it before.


Mark 7:5-6 reads - ""So the Pharisees and teachers of the law asked Jesus, "Why don't your disciples live according to the tradition of the elders instead of eating their food with 'unclean' hands?" He replied, "Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you hypocrites; as it is written: " 'These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me."" My creator doesn't want my hypocritical praises, he doesn't need material things from me in an attempt to try to salvage my torn up relationship with Him, he doesn't need me to act perfect when I'm not and can't without Him, he doesn't want me to run and hide from Him because I feel ashamed of my ugliness, he doesn't want me to try and resist sin for any purpose except out of a desire to love Him and his most incredible creation. My creator wants me. He doesn't care if I'm hurt, torn up, sinful, marred, imperfect. He desires to pursue me with a love and grace I can only gasp and cry about in wonder and adoration but never explain in words. The best I can do for Him is to let my creator into me to transform, fill, and love me. And slowly I can begin to return that love to Him as I am healed, as I am transformed. And then I will no longer desire to sin, I will want to serve Him. Sure, such service and resistance will require discipline, but I will have the strength, the energy, the joy to follow my God through whatever he takes me through. Can a love for a wife or husband really be strong enough to keep a marriage pure? Can a strong sense of duty be good enough to avoid temptation to hurt others? I believe only the power of the most incredible intimacy found with God is enough to empower us to overflow with love and compassion. Scripture says that Solomon's heart turned from God because his many wives led him astray, and I Kings 11:9 says, "The Lord became angry with Solomon because his heart had turned away from the Lord." And as scary as this story is, I find great joy in the fact that my God desires me. He desires me to love him with all of my heart, understanding and strength [Mark 12:33]. What a great cost, what a great challenge. But in reality, is not my greatest desire to give all of my self completely and unselfishly to Him?!


So I can choose to give up, give into sin only to experience death of heart instead of something that could be unbelievably better. Or I can choose to try and resist sin in hope that God will honor my emptiness so that I'll avoid the negative consequences of sin or the punishment of God. I can also hope that maybe he'll bless me if I choose to follow Him. Perhaps I'll gain financial wealth, maybe I'll find my "perfect match", or I'll be able to be on the career track of my "dreams". Or...I can choose to through the process of a lifetime trust daily that life is truly amazing when I actually affectionately pursue my God, giving as much of my heart to Him as I can - simply because I desire Him...or at least desire to desire Him.


I remember several times as a kid walking up to potted plants in a room only to realize what I saw from afar was simply a drab plastic image of something far more amazing. I couldn't tear off a leaf and rub it in my hands to smell its pungent odor, I couldn't stick my hands in the dirt and feel and smell the familiar scents and sensations of the earth, the green color didn't match what a real plant would have. And the room felt that more empty, that much more drab, and I hated that feeling. I want something real. Something tangible, something alive and green, something whose beauty from afar only gives a hint at something far more amazing and complex when looked at under a microscope. I'm tired of fake! I'm tired of seeing desire welled up within me through the beauty of a woman...or the longing of an adventure like the Chronicles of Narnia...only to then see my normal life and think that's what true "life" really is. I'm tired of feeling like the story of my desire is simply as real as a fairy tale...something only to imagine and read about. I'm tired of returning from a weeklong vacation that hints at a paradise that I was designed for only to remember that "real life" is boring, hard and lifeless. But maybe...maybe a relationship with my God is far more real than anything else I pursue in His place. Maybe there is incredible beauty, incredible adventure, incredible intimacy to be found in seeking Him simply for the sake of knowing Him?!


I wish there were words or pictures to explain what I've seen recently in Him. And I wish my heart could never forget moment to moment my God. I no longer want to go a day, a moment with simply an intellectual understanding of my creator. I want to be constantly intimate with Him and overflowing with His real love and joy.

Is desire meant to be satisfied?

Is desire meant to be satisfied? Sin…giving into small gratifications seems to have the power to deaden it – but only for a while. At first, desire is just a faint voice in the morning or at night, but we can hide it, ignore it. But slowly it becomes a persistent knife in the heart; it gnaws away at our core. And I want to scream; sometimes I wish so much that God would end my desire…or at times maybe even my existence. Yes, I know…I know that death of our hearts is far worse. And I hate sin so much! But pain of being alive seems so unbearable at times. Unsatisfied desire, intense longing is so painful. Is it meant to be satisfied? Does God satisfy the incredible longings of our hearts? How long must we wait? I’M AFRAID OF GIVING UP SIN – BECAUSE I’M AFRAID OF HAVING SUCH AN INCREDIBLE LONGING THAT GOD WILL NEVER SATISFY…NEVER GRANT RELIEF THROUGH THE SWEETNESS OF SEEING DESIRE SATISFIED!!! And what does that satisfaction look like? I feel like I have so little experience seeing my incredible hunger truly filled because I’ve never given up complete control to God – I’ve never trusted Him the way I must, the way I want. I don’t want a normal life. I want to see such incredible adventure, such incredible peace and rest, such incredible beauty, such incredible joy! My heart cannot be satisfied by what I can see, by what I can control, by what I can imagine. It wants, it needs, it is so DESPERATE for something I don’t fully understand. Music, mountains, and the beauty of the heart of a woman are so amazing because they continually remind me of this unquenchable desire. But they alone are not even close to enough! I know that somehow I want God, but my relationship with Him still at times feels so distant, so intangible. I wish I could feel, touch, see my God. I want to have a relationship with him so real, so loving it’s absolutely undeniable.


I KNOW you are there God. And I’ve grown so much these past few months, seen you in ways I’ve longed to for so long. But I want so much more. To be filled with so much love, so much compassion. To see and be wholly surrounded by beauty. I so want to be in love with you! I want to trust you and LET GO of EVERYTHING and allow you amaze me with a life I could never have imagined. I don't want to know where life will end up, where you'll take me anymore. I just want it to be totally amazing. I just wanna trust.

Limits to Our Desire?!

I wish I had the courage to be so much more graphic here than I am; maybe that’s a good thing; I don't know. The more my desire for Christ grows, though, the more I care less of what people think of me - and the more I care about, the more I can love other people. I want people to see the sin that I’ve struggled with - and how Christ has slowly but truly been transforming me and taking that struggle away. I want people to see how I no longer desire sin, but desire the incredible limitless love of my creator. I want people to see how desolate, lost, dirty, hopeless, prideful, hurt, worthless I am alone. But through Christ, how amazing my God has created, revealed me to be - only to give glory to Him. Everything that I am is an incredible unique display of the glory of my God. And to downplay the glory of my creator is to insult the creator Himself! Each one of us - every single person was created in His image! Every person is worth so much, posseses so much beauty, so much unique glory.

But I’m tired of playing “Christian”. I’m tired of trying to be good only to fail again because I’m not honest with myself and my creator; I don’t allow Him to transform me. I’m tired of giving into sin instead of opening all of myself to God and bringing to Him all of my frustration and hurt. I’m tired of trying to find my comfort in all else but Christ. I’m tired of trying to fill my incredible desire with whatever looks good immediately through my physical eyes instead of my creator and what He knows will satisfy the longings He’s given me. I’m tired of being afraid of my creator - being afraid that He’s not entirely good. I’m tired of not fully trusting and thus testing Him. Letting everything go into His hands and seeing what happens. Betting everything, putting it all on the line, jumping off of that 90 foot cliff and seeing what happens. When will I be driven to the point where I realize that it’s all or nothing? When I realize my desire is too great to be deadened, left hanging by being fed and teased by little gratifications. What’s the point of an eternity living in pain of half-fed desire? I want true satisfaction or nothing!

I went hiking yesterday in the mountains alone just to get away and to see a snowstorm come in from the woods. I knew I needed to rest and to think - but little did I know how much once again God would expose my lack of trust. I continue to hold back my hurt from God, continue to be afraid to hear from Him. Afraid that I’ll never get to see beauty and intimacy in a girl of my own the way I desire. This continues to be one of my biggest struggles! I feel like I'd rather sin, rather hide, rather give up and give in - cut my losses and experience what little I can see and have control of. Than bring my hurt, my anger, my fear, my desire all while openning all of myself completely and transparently to take a chance to trust in Christ. So many times the last two months, I’ve seen seemingly impossible situations presented by finances, not being sure where I’ll live or work or how I’ll get there, and I’ve been hurt and let down by other people. But every time God has come through in a way I couldn’t have imagined. People that don’t even know God have offered me rides, invited me into their lives, have given so much. My trust has increased so much - I don’t feel the need to worry anymore - my true home is in Christ - and every new challenge presents an opportunity for me to see the love of my creator come through once again! I’m actually beginning to get excited about how God’s going to provide when I don’t see a way!

But I still feel confused. I don’t see the course, I don’t know what to do. My desire for intimacy is great - and good. And although I don’t trust God, I have to - somehow. Where do I think I’ll get by ignoring God sometimes? I’ve gotta trust that my desire is good, my God is good. And if I’m confused - which may be a good thing because I don’t think I’m ready to make my own decisions right now about some things in life - even if I don’t like what God is saying to me right now - I have to follow Him. From my perspective, He’s all I’ve got - He’s the best there is. And if I trust that and He does come through for me in an amazing way that I would have never seen through my own eyes - than He’ll no longer be the “best I’ve got” but that much more the most amazing, loving, beautiful being I’ve ever had the privilege to have relationship with! I can already say to others I don’t just know about my God - I know my creator! But there’s so much I have yet to learn - there’s still doubt there. And I don’t want that doubt anymore! I so want to be able to say with even more conviction that I know my creator and he is good in every way! And I’ll never know that if I don’t take the scary step to trust Him. To be patient, to follow Him through all of the haze, clouds, winds of life. Trusting that in spite of what I see with my own eyes, what’s on the other side of that fog is something far more amazing than I’ve ever imagined.

I don’t want to ignore the pain of desire or to be afraid of my God just because I place limits on what I think my God could or would do! Can I really trust God in life for the impossible - can I really trust that what I don’t see could happen? And happen with an amazingness that I’ve never even tasted to understand how awesome it could be? I want to have such an incredible love for my creator and for others. I want to see how amazing He really is - I want to desire my God more than anything or anyone else! And if he so chooses to continue to show Himself to me through His creation, flying a plane, studying the cell, seeing the beauty and amazingness of other people, and maybe even a woman I could share the rest of my life here on earth with - that’d be amazing - because through it all, I’ll get to see His love…and share it!

(Un)Satisfied

The final scene of Castaway shows Tom Hanks standing at an intersection, heartbroken but free to walk again. Heartbroken because his almost-to-be fiancée married another while he was lost and thought to be dead at sea for months. But free once again to walk an unknown path; free to invest his heart again, free to risk, maybe to be torn apart again but free to live life.

I feel like that's me. But I don't - I can't know what road to take anymore alone without God. I really don’t know anything about where my life’s going anymore. I feel like I’m once again at a crossroads making plans that may or may not materialize and ultimately waiting for God to answer so many questions that I have. Questions that can no longer go unanswered. I reluctantly chose not to head out to Montana this winter because I knew God didn't want me to. But now I don't even know anymore why I'm pursuing a degree in Electrical Engineering. God's showed me this past semester a different part of me that I never knew existed because I was so caught up in trying to find my self worth, trying to prove I could do something and be someone when that someone may not even be who I really am. For so long, I've hated Electrical Engineering but never even thought about anything else - if I can't do this, I thought, who am I? I for some reason used my understanding of math and science as a crutch. I defined my life by it, and when my pursuit of what I thought I wanted failed me, my world came down. Sure, God's once again given me the ability to do this stuff. But now for the first time I'm completely free, no longer defined by who I want to be but free to be who God made me to be. But I don't know what that means - where do I go from here?

These past few months, I've never felt so much pain after I pursued an incredible girl, beautiful and captivating to me in so many ways - many that I've longed to see for so long and yet many others I could never have imagined! And even after being rejected all the while thinking that maybe something was never right in the first place, my desire to pursue her only increased as I increasingly gave that desire to God. Errrrrr... the pain of desire... it means I'm so alive, but it hurts so much!!!!! At times I've sought refuge, sought to find any relief from the pain at times to no avail - but no longer is God allowing my heart to die. At times, I've given into sin to try to ease the sting of pain, but it no longer works. I've wanted to run away, travel 1200 miles West and bury the pain...but God has me here.

Yes, desire is so amazing. And yet it hurts so much! The more I pursue after the desires God has given me, the more I long. Looking back to every day I spent in the mountains on my own in Colorado or every exhilarating or peaceful experience I've had in the Tetons, I've always had a haunting - a desire for something so much more. The mountains and I almost have a love-hate relationship. They awaken me but leave me wanting so much more. As I allow myself to be swallowed up in their majestic peaks, valleys, streams and lakes, my blood courses through my body once again; my heart beats with life - and then comes the nagging, gnawing pain. The desire for something so much more aches relentlessly, driving me almost mad. That desire to be surrounded, enveloped, swallowed by so much more intimacy and so much more beauty than I could ever handle. To be with someone who would be with me for all time, someone to delight in, love, and to share with all the incredible beauty I see. Someone to enjoy the incredible waterfalls tumbling down thousands of feet through mountainous fir forests whose trees have mastered the art of living in such an untouched harsh yet beautiful environment. Someone to see vast meadows of tall green grass, bright red Indian Paintbrush and deep purple Lupines, all complemented by scattered islands of evergreens. Someone to see a herd of elk peacefully resting in a carpet of bright yellow marsh marigolds many miles away from any road. It's all so amazing, but so lonely. I imagine I would love to share it all with one person for the rest of my life, one incredibly beautiful in heart and in body. But would that really satisfy? Or simply leave me more longing. More aching for incredible beauty and incredible intimacy. What I really desire, really want in the end is to be wrapped up and taken in by my creator. To experience His infinite beauty and intimacy that never will fail to captivate me for all of eternity. The problem is not that I want enough - it's that I think I'll be satisfied with too little. I don't trust, and I think that somehow holding onto the tastes of my creator - the beauty I see in the outdoors and women - is better than Him himself! And in my lack of trust in lies my fear - my fear that He'll tear me apart and deny me all the beauty I've seen and all the intimacy I desire. I fear that pursuing Him really isn't life. Yeah, I see it written in scripture - but I still yet don't really believe it. I so long to know that there really is so much incredible life in God - but I'm not there yet. I'm getting there, but I'm afraid of the journey. I still hold on, cling to what I can see and touch. I wish I could jump - jump off that 90 foot cliff into the water knowing and trusting what's below. Trusting that whatever God has for me is far better than I could ever imagine. But I so fear that cliff - why can't I trust, why can't I love God?!

Someday...I desperately hope that day is very soon!

You know what though: I know why I love studying how mitochondria work or how aerobic respiration works. How the body produces ATP from glucose or how muscles contract. It's so amazing to me! I find so much life in understanding how God designed DNA from two humans to come together, intertwine, and make another beautiful creature so unique...and how stem cells can form any type of tissue in the body. Why? Because I see God in it all. As I dig deeper, I see the endless creativity and beauty that points to someone far greater than what I'm exploring. That's why I enjoy the mountains, incredible storms and beautiful sunsets behind miles and miles of plains. I want to be swept up, carried, swallowed in their beauty and their power. But really - what I'm really seeing behind it is God. He is what I'm seeking, what I'm aching for. Ultimately, I'm longing to be overwhelmed by his beauty, his intimacy, his love. When I stand underneath a waterfall because I want to be surrounded and caressed by it's beauty and power, I'm really desiring God.

Isn't that the point of every pursuit - to know and experience our creator!?

Lost

I feel so lost - so longing for something more. But afraid that what I do have, what I do long for God will take away or won’t let me have. I’m a bundle of desire, but so confused. So afraid at times that God gives me desire just to tease me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, but I’m afraid that He’s shown me who I am only to then ask me to go against who I’m made to be. And lately, I feel like God’s taken my strength away. I’ll get up and have no desire to head to class. I’m always looking for the easy route because effort seems fruitless, or I no longer have the strength to continue. What’s the point? Why exist anymore? Satan pounds me, uses every tactic he has and every weakness he knows I have and at least temporarily convinces me I’m worthless, and that there is no point anymore to doing anything, that there is no reason to live.

I feel like lately the reason I’ve chosen to pursue God is because it’s the best way, but not because it’s the amazing way. Yeah, there is no life in idolizing the things of this world. We are told not to love the things of this world for that very reason. Ultimately joy found in all relationships, doing well in school, listening to the most well-written music, hiking through the woods, standing on the edge of a cliff or rappelling down it, fails. I put so much weight…essentially idolize…what a relationship with a wife will look like. How amazing would it be to have someone that I could be with for the rest of my time here on earth? As I was walking back after praying around a campfire two nights ago at Hungarian Falls, I was elated at the magical world that the wet April snow had created in the woods. Every tree was completely coated in white, and the glow from the moon softly illuminated the tall evergreens that perched above the leafless maples, oak, and birch in the valley below. But something was missing – once again as with so many of the things God allows me to experience, I so wanted to share that with a girl – the one girl. But what if I did have her – the one that met almost every desire that I have in a woman. What if I did – and then God took her away. Would I be devastated? Filled with bitterness because she was the only reason I lived? Or filled with joy because I truly desired God more than anyone and had the incredible opportunity to love one of his beautiful beloved for even a short time?

Yeah, I’m here in Michigan taking classes at Michigan Tech. Yes, God is doing amazing things it seems, transforming me in ways I couldn’t imagine and giving me incredible friendships with other men here. And although I can’t be in the mountains, I’ve been able to take joy in the abilities I do have – running through snow or mud and rain, kayaking on Lake Superior, camping out in the snow or next to a campfire, and climbing out on the cliffs. But at times I wonder what's the point. I've made decisions to pursue God instead of incredible opportunities out West. But in the midst of all of the chaos, it seems like I'm going nowhere. Why resist temptation, why summon strength to build relationships with others, why do homework, why ski? And then things get dangerous - I'm very tempted to give into sexual temptation, to head back into bad habits with food, believing eating is sin; I become lazy and the desire I have to love others seems to disappear. I become destructive, only looking to gratify my immediate desires.

But this is death...it's NOT what I desire! Paul says in Romans 6:20-21, "What benefit did you reap at that times from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!"

Why? Why does this happen? It's because I still don't believe my ultimate desire is God. I say it; I know it in my head. But my heart has yet to understand it. As much as I want to pursue God, my desires shift so easily from enjoying Him through his creation to his creation. I begin to act instinctively, pursuing whatever seems to offer the most life without thinking ... or sometimes intentionally ignoring what I know the consequences will be. I fear God, I fear that he will take away everything and every desire that I depend on for intimacy, for adventure, excitement, beauty, life. Sure, I say I can give up my desires, all of myself to God when I don't count the cost and really pay attention and understand all of what I must give up. But when I'm reminded of all that I desire...not that the desire I have is wrong at all!...but when I'm reminded of it, giving all - really ALL - of myself and my desire to Him is very costly. Matthew 9:39 says "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Can I do that? Ultimately, I will never be satisfied, I will always be disappointed so long as my desire for any experience or anyone else is stronger than my desire for God. The point - the end goal in life is not to complete a bunch of tasks, not to experience every physical pleasure on the face of the planet, not to see everything that is to be seen in God's creation. But rather to love - and to love God more than all else. And I cannot do that on my own. I cannot manufacture a desire for God; I don't think I can endure giving up all of my desire to God without him continuing to change my heart. I guess it starts...it continues with me allowing Him once again into my heart and asking him to transform me. Daily taking the step to trust that his transformation of me will be good and truly what I desire more than everything and thus asking and allowing Him into me over and over again. 1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

I don't think the apostles gave up their lives, I don't think martyr's throughout history were willing to die simply on principle, simply because their mind believed something was true. No, I think it was something far deeper - an incredible love and desire for God so great that all else was worthless in comparison.

The question is not whether God will satisfy my desire for relationships, experiences, health, or just things here on earth. The question is rather do I trust; will I allow God to change me such that I am far more satisfied, yet still longing in and for Him.

I don't know where everything...heck often where anything...is going. But I know I truly want to desire God more than anything. And I will cautiously pray it - for I know God answers prayer, and I'm definately afraid of that at times! For me, the story is appears unwritten, the future is scary at times. I guess we'll see where this goes...

The Dance

The perfect song, the one he's been waiting for, the one that feels just right begins to play. He knows who she is; she is no compromise. Her heart is incredible; she is fiercely beautiful. The risk is great - he knows neither will she accept a compromise. There's no easy way; she won't allow it; and neither would he. He has and does not want any protection, there is no facade to hide behind. He opens his heart wide; he is wholly exposed, fully preparing to be hurt, to be rejected - and she is so worth it all!

The story goes two ways. But for this man, his expression of his strength continues either path. It does not depend on her. His life's an unfinished canvas or a partially performed dance. He could paint it like everyone else. He could take the path that requires nothing of him, a path that guarantees his safety, guarantees he won't be hurt, guarantees he won't stand out and be criticized or rejected. But he will not settle, he will live life to the fullest. Taking every opportunity. His lead will be confusing at times, he'll try something new and often fail. The dance won't always be perfect. He will make mistakes. But he will not hide. He will not cower. And in the end, it won't be scripted - and it will be wonderful, fully displaying his strength...and her incredible beauty.

Isn't that life? You get up in the morning and begin to study for your hardest exam. And your score probably won't be perfect. Studying will be a struggle. You might even fail. Later on that day it's still 10 degrees and you put on your shoes for a 7 mile run, preparing to dodge cars and plow through snow, salt, and dirt. And that evening, you put on your cold, stiff ski boots and prepare to race against 20 others on the hill. The temperature's dropped to 0 degrees and the wind's gusting to 40 miles per hour, ready to drive sharp, cold snow onto your face. But would you really want anything else? The euphoria of making it through the struggle, the wonderful feeling of sore muscles, or the awesomeness of being outdoors in nature's fierceness are so worth the effort!

And then you invest in others. You expose yourself; you share your desires, your hurts, and your joys. You trust, you depend, and you care deeply. And at the very least you will simply be hurt, cut up. Or maybe even abandoned or betrayed. At times you feel like you have no strength left, there’s no reason to continue, but you must keep going, you must continue. Your enemy drives arrows where he knows they will hurt the most. He is cunning, he is effective.

And possibly even worse, you in turn do the same thing. You forget or don’t even realize how much what you do tears someone else apart. And with God you push him away, mock him, spit on him. And yet he comes back to love you, to heal you, to whisper in your ear, to encourage, to hold you in his arms. And then you once again find another lover.

Isn't he – the dancer – a picture, however faint, of Christ? God knows from the dawn of creation all of history. He creates male and female in the image of Him. Two creatures so amazing, so beautiful, so intricate. So perfect; a colorful shadow of Him. They are the pinnacle, the best of his creation. And he places them in a universe so amazing. The stars and storms reflect his incredible awesomeness. And the trees, streams, mountains reflect his incredible beauty. And his living creation – an elk, a wolf, a cardinal - his incredible creativity. And he desires a relationship so amazing, so deep, so breathtaking with them. He does all this knowing we will turn against him, knowing we will hurt him. He will send his Son as our Savior. And some of us will accept him. And even still, we will turn from Him. We will hurt him time and time again. But he continues to pursue us, time and time again with a love that has no end.

He - the dancer - is either fully exposed as he boldly leads by example or truly resting. Nothing in between. When he's beaten, when he's lost his strength, he once again will for a time rest even if it only be for minutes. He uses nothing as a crutch, he confides in no one but his creator. He gives all of his heart to Him for there is no true hurt in the intimacy he has with Christ. Only perfect good, true love and a closeness that fulfills his every desire. He cries, he bleeds, and is held and healed by his creator. And then once again, it is time to dance.

Climbing and Life

Climbing teaches me so much about myself. I love it not because I’m always comfortable with it…nor because I want to become the best at it, but because I’m continually challenged to trust, to do things that seem impossible. Although I’m not huge on wall climbing – doing stuff outdoors is ten times better – I went up to the wall yesterday. Most of the climbs didn’t bother me that much except for one – I had to use a set of tiny holds in combination with a leap to complete the climb, and the situation looked impossible. They glared me in the face with that look that said there’s no way – you use me and you WILL fall. I don’t usually even think about looking at my eight knot – it’s so instinct, you tie it and know that it’s safe. But I looked, followed every path the knot took just to make sure everything was the way it should be. And then pushed for what seemed to be the impossible. Yeah, I didn’t fall and actually made it through a situation that looked like a guaranteed failure.

I feel lately like the rest of like is so much like that. God continues to bring me through life in such a way that I can’t see a way out. That all I can do is take more risk – and then watch what happens. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel for so much of life right now. Over the past few days, some of the things I said hurt a good friend very deep. And it hurts so much. All I could yesterday do was curl up in bed and take that pain to Christ; I couldn’t sleep, all I could do was feel the pain, nothing could take it away. Part of me wanted to give up…to run away and hide. There is nothing I can do to take away what I’ve said. I suppose what I said, though, reflects my selfishness, my self-centeredness. Nothing I can say can take that away, because what I said once again exposed a part of who I am that I hate, a part I desperately want Christ to transform. And once again, it seems like there is no light, that the situation is impossible, that there is no hope. Somehow though I have to try and run, be myself and run while wading through thick mud. There’s a song by All American Rejects called “Move Along”. Part of it goes like this…

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

I don’t completely agree with the song – because it seems as if they are saying that we have to be strong and continue on some strength that can’t be there with Christ. And that will ultimately fail. But with Christ, the next day will occur. And somehow…I don’t have any idea how…but somehow, life will continue. I’m so tempted to give up. The pain seems so great. It’s just easier not to invest in the lives of others, to get to know other people because I’m going to hurt them…and they will hurt me. But to kill my heart, to become bitter, to run away will only hurt others … and me that much more. Keeping my heart open is so hard at times, because it’s a guarantee that hurt will come, I’ll get torn up and so will others. But with the healing and transformation that Christ offers, there is hope, a guarantee that life will continue to get better even though harder. Wow…I guess I’ll have to continue taking leaps again. Maybe I’ll check the rope a bit less and less every time, trusting that I can make the jump and I’ll be held by God.